Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
