what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
