Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
