i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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