Barsexuality is the new black.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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