lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize