Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
