She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
