11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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