I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize