she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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