those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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