u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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