Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
