I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
