I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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