I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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