saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
