oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
