if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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