ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
