Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
