I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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