I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize