i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
