Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
is it fun? or sober?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
