When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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