i think my tv is drunk
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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