When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
