I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
