Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
