remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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