Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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