I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
