What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
