I need help removing her.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
