I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
