I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize