I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
