I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Two words: nipple clamps
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