Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
