I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize