oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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