Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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