She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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