That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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