So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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