Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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