we're chasing vodka with high fives
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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