Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
