i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
