my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
