My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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