Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
