I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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