i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
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