His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
