after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
