My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You can't just leave with hair like that
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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